Ask A Sex Educator: Erotic Roleplay

Question: How can I get started with erotic roleplay?

Exploring fantasy and roleplay can add excitement, intimacy and sexy fun to your sex life. Whether you’re looking to spice things up, deepen an existing flavour or explore a different side of your erotic self, roleplay can offer an important component of our sex lives - play!

Sexual roleplay is all about borrowing attributes (and behaviours, costumes and props) of characters, like doctor, teacher, kitten, and sexualizing the behaviours of these characters for the purpose of arousal. You don’t have to find your actual doctor sexy in order to roleplay a sexy doctor. Roleplay can feel taboo or uncomfortable for some people because outside of an erotic context, who you are may be vastly different from the role you’re eroticizing. For example, someone who is confident and assertive might feel confused by being turned on by a submissive kitten in the bedroom. This contrast is part of what makes it hot and makes us feel naughty, but feeling conflicted about your roleplay can also be a barrier to having fun without judging yourself. 

How do you get started with sexy roleplay? 

1. Think beyond the role.

What is it about this role that makes you feel sexy? Is it power? Is it fear? Is it sensual? Is it an activity that the role gets to do that you don’t? Tell a story about the role, what do they smell, look, feel, sound and taste like? What do they want to feel? What does your roleplay inspire your partner to feel? 

2. Try masturbating thinking about you in the role. Give yourself permission to connect to your own sexiness and tune into what you might be turned on by. 

3. Explore with curiosity. 

It doesn’t have to be perfect or flawless, take the pressure off of performance and set that tone for you and your partner. Try to think beyond stereotypes, for example the naughty school girl doesn’t have to be submissive, maybe she bends the teacher over the desk!

4. Share your fantasy with your partner. 

It can be very vulnerable to share an erotic fantasy with your partner, especially about roleplay. Opening up about it can also give you a chance to co-create with your partner, get some validation and affirmation about how sexy it is to get creative in the bedroom and even open up their imagination to possibly get aroused about something they’d never considered before. Here are some tips for sharing your fantasies. 

Getting started can feel intimidating and overwhelming, so go slow, be gentle with yourself - it’s not a performance - and don’t give up right away. Here are some strategies for dealing with common struggles of getting started with roleplay:

Feeling silly vs feeling sexy

Silly is sexy. We’ve been told that ‘sexy’ is limited to the versions of sexy we see in porn, movies and media. In reality, most of us have a wide range of things we are attracted to and aroused by, including the chance to just feel accepted and attractive in all our self-expressions. 

Judging yourself for the role

Maybe you really want to dress up as a sexy police officer, but you have conflicting feelings about police in real life. In the bedroom, we use boundaries, communication and care to create a safe space to explore uncomfortable and intense feelings that might be arousing for us. Talking about or journalling about any self-judgement that’s going on in your head is helpful, and may invite your partner to also get vulnerable about any insecurities they may have about their turn ons. 

Getting creative with sexy roleplay

What do you do to make the role come to life? How do you keep it from falling flat? Planning, props and passion are my go to for creativity. Plan out your ideas in a non-sexy time, you can even test them out by sexting your partner or getting inspiration from erotica. Use props like blindfolds, costumes or accessories that make sense for your character.  And finally passion - enthusiasm is sexy. Remember, roleplay doesn’t have to be completely foreign to the sexy activities you already like. You don’t have to carry out a big performance, you can put on a sexy maid’s outfit and give or receive oral!

Talking about roleplay fantasies with your partner

Bedroom roleplay can help some people overcome inhibition, be more mindful and present during sex, and offer an outlet for self-development. Sharing your roleplay idea might seem like you’re putting yourself up for judgement and ridicule, but approaching it as giving your partner more information about your pleasure and an opportunity to have a conversation about spicing things up, can shift the dynamic a bit. Let go of seeking validation for your fantasy, feeling awkward if they aren’t into it and instead embrace the confidence it takes to own your desires. 

Just because you explore a roleplay doesn’t mean you want to take it anywhere other than the bedroom. Allow yourself the space to absorb the benefits of stretching your erotic capacity. By combining play, dirty talk, props and a sense of horny curiosity, you might just find even more ways to get turned on!