Ask A Sex Educator: Threesome

Q: “Hello, my boyfriend and I are interested in having a threesome but we have no idea how to approach a person for that. We have fears of STDs and I don’t feel comfortable asking a friend. We need tips on how to ask a person. “

A: So exciting that you and your bf are interested in a threesome! They can be super fun, but require some skills in managing more bodies and more emotions in the mix. Great that you're reaching out for more info. Here are some tips to get you started:

1. Finding a Third

• Whether you're approaching in-person or online, make sure you're clear about a few things:

• What are the boundaries you and your partner have agreed on? What do you feel safe/not safe doing with a third? What would be hot for you and what might make you feel insecure? Try using a Will, Want, Won't list - do it independently then come back together and talk about it.

• What do you have to offer a third? Lots of couples make the mistake of seeking a third but only thinking about what the third can do for them. The most attractive threesome couples think about what they have to offer a third as lovers, whether that's only for one night or many.  

• Are you going to be online? Dating apps like Feeld work well for threesome searchers and there are several websites that allow couples profiles in the mix. Think about writing a profile that is enticing, confident and warm.

2. Sexually Transmitted Infections

• Do you know your own sexual health status? Be prepared to talk about the last time you were tested and how you take care of your own sexual health, try not to make the third feel like they are a threat to your safety - talk about STDs/STIs like they are the flu of your genitals, no shame.

• Talk with your partner about what you're both agreeing to for safety - are you using condoms for penetration, oral, anal, sex toys? What skin-to-skin things like HPV and herpes do you need to discuss? How would you feel if you contracted something like Chlamydia or Gonorrhea during a threesome? Get up to date on how sexually transmitted infections are exchanged between people by reading up at Planned Parenthood.

Here are a couple of articles that can help you get some practical tips from searching for a third, to making the threesome less awkward, to being the kind of couple that thirds are attracted to:

• 10 Things Couples Do That Make Me Want To Fuck Them

• 3 Awkward Threesome Moments and How to Deal

• 5 Ways to Snag a Unicorn

If you'd like more support, our friendly Sex Educator Luna Matatas offers Skype sessions to couples who are looking for a threesome to provide coaching to help you from finding the third to talking to them to planning the threesome.