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Ask A Sex Educator: How to Initiate Sex in a Sexy Way

Posted by Secret Pleasures Boutique on 2/11/2020 to Ask A Sex Educator



How to Initiate Sex in a Sexy Way


Sometimes we get used to one person in our relationship being the initiator and the other person being the receiver. It can be really fun to spice things up by switching up who initiates and who receives. The first few times you decide to try intiaiting you might feel awkward or nervous or worry about rejection. It’s ok to feel nervous, to worry about rejection or to feel awkward. Trying something new sometimes comes with these feelings. You can try to navigate them by being honest about them with your partner, by exploring what’s underneath the anxiety for you (e.g. is it fear you’re not attractive?) and by using an affirmation to keep you in the present moment as you explore sexy intiation. 


What if they aren’t in the mood?

Remember, someone is allowed to not be in the mood or not feel like doing the sex thing you’re hoping for, or might need more time to feel relaxed and emotionally warmed up before deciding if they want to have sex or not. Try to open up your definition of ‘sex’ - can it include sexy options that aren’t orgasm-focused, penetration optional, include sex toys? This can create more space and options for the initiator and the receiver, and also create tease and delight for both of you. 


Here are some playful ways to initiate sex:

  • Leave sexy ‘breadcrumbs’ throughout the day. Write a sexy note, send a sext, offer non-sexual but intimate touch (e.g. hand, foot or scalp massage, or drawing a bath)

  • Agree to each take responsibility for one sexy date night a month that you plan independently. Planning doesn’t mean less passion! You can keep the night’s activities a surprise to add spontaneity to the experience. 

  • Online sex toy shopping night in. Talk about your fantasies, what toys intrigue you, which toys intimidate you. 

  • Ask directly. ‘Hey babe, are you in the mood for something sexy?’. If they say yes, give them options, for example, ‘I’d love to make tonight all about you, give you a massage and you can decide if you want more’. Take the pressure off of sex, some people need to enjoy feeling relaxed, connected and sensual before feeling sexual. 

  • Bring sexy to everyday moments. If your partner is about to take a shower, ask them if they’d like you to moisturize them when they get out or leave a note on the bathroom mirror that tells them you’re waiting with lotion if they would like some.

  • Express vulnerability. ‘Love, I’m kinda shy to tell you that I want. I’m nervous but I’d love to know if you’re in the mood for sex’.

  • Have a funny code phrase. Silly can be sexy! ‘Boo, do you want peanut butter my jelly tonight?’


The more you practice and the more vulnerable you allow yourself to be - the easier it gets. Have a back up plan - that might mean masturbation, it might mean focusing only on your partner’s pleasure, it might mean continuing a sensual but not sexual vibe for the evening or it might mean you’ve laid some breadcrumbs for the next time!